我还是原来的我

Few days ago, I've finally realised that I was actually the most selfish person... haiz...
As what you could read, I said my friends were selfish... maybe they were, but I myself was the same too.... I shouldn't blame others.

Since long time ago, people think I'm a happy, cheerful girl, I have positive attitudes, I am so confident to myself bla bla bla... and most impressive might be talkative.
I would like to be the one to start a conversation, I like to invite my friends to go out, I would call my friends on my own initiative;
conclusion? I'm a girl who do things on my own initiative! haha...
and one more thing, I'm very independent...it's what people think...

However... I felt that I was not cared by my friends (not all but most of them) although I cared them very much, if I didn't talk to them, they seldom talk to me on their own initiative. If I didn't call them, they didn't call me at all. If I didn't invite them out, I would just need to stay at home 'forever'.....
and I thought, was it because of my attitudes they disliked me? or it was me being too sensitive?

I've tried my best to change myself .... I really hope that I can be a good person, someone who is welcomed by most of the people.... still, I fail?

I hate to be lonely, and I am lonely always...

I have my family of course, a quite good family although we are not rich. But because I was/am not staying with my parents, it made me to rely on my friends very much, I want my friends to spend time together with me.
I just have brothers and don't have sister, either a younger one or an elder one... so it's hard for me to find someone to share my feeling etc... I'm not that kind of people who can just keep things to myself, it's suffering ....
To me, friends are very important people...

Gradually, I'd become less talkative, or I pretended to be happy.... and I showed long face more frequently then... but I seldom scold my friends or throw a tantrum, I just kept my mouth shut... and I tried to isolate myself.
I really wondered, why others were so quiet and seldom talk, but they got the most attention from people... so actually I wish to learn from them, maybe I try to be not so talkative, then other people would come to talk to me?
ahaha.... really funny oh for me to think like this...

I should say thank you to my new net friend-- Lian Kei for 'counselling' me... his words made me realising that what I'd done was wrong....
I was blaming my friends for not inviting me out, not talking to me first, not accompanying me when I am lonely, not sharing their secrets/something with me....

I've forgotten that, everyone has different characteristic and has different way to solve their lonely problem too. If everyone is like what I am, then.... wah @@" lolz
so, I shouldn't blame them for being quiet, for being passive as those are their characteristics.. and hence I shouldn't force them to change too...
so back to my own personalities, my characteristics..

Since I am who I am, I shouldn't think that it's unfair for me to be the one who initiates a conversation, etc...
People know I'm strong and tough, so they don't worry me that much.... but that doesn't mean they don't care about me.... I was just too sensitive and having those negative thinking!

If I don't invite other people to join me in something (e.g: conversation), I will be lonely...
However, if my friends don't invite me for something, maybe it's because they have their own way to solve their lonely problem, they may have some other things to do on their own etc....
Friends are not borned to make me not lonely... I cannot be so selfish about this
They have their own way to live in this world....

Thus, I'm not confused anymore for now.... I want to be who I was...
and to change to a better person (I'm not good enough lah..).....
Sorry to my friends too....
(aiya, too long-winded=talkative I know lolz)