Analyse myself

yoyo.... our Lee Chong Wei had won the Japan Open title! He had defeated Lin Dan and Taufik~ yay.. Don't know who is him? oh ok... he's our Malaysian top Badminton player! hoho

Few days ago, my friend sent me my birthday analysis to me..... wow, I think it's almost 100% describing me! I give some examples here...

具有强烈的企图心，希望成为周遭生活中，不可或缺的重要人物
have strong intention, hope to be someone important
(yeah... I want to be an important person in my friend's life =p)

发号施令及掌控一切，对他们来说，是优先且重要的事情
他们使唤别人的方式非常直接了当，会让对方清楚知道他们的意愿
Giving command and controlling everything is something preferably to do and it's important
The way they order people is very straight-forward, and will let them know clearly of what they want.
(ehm... I know I'm straight-forward in speaking etc,.... you see, it's my natural way.... even the analysis says so... I do hope I don't ask people to do works like giving command or oder....haiz.. sorry lah...)

他们也要求别人能专心倾听。这一天出生的人，不能忍受被人忽视
They also request others to listen to them by paying full attention. They cannot bear to be neglected.
(yeap, while I speak, I really hope my friends would pay attention to me.. however, recently I found that whenever I'm in a group, what I have said is being ignored or no people would bother to listen.. haiz... maybe I'm being too sensitive...)

他们的直言不讳，有时会惹祸上身；不过，大多数时候，别人还是会正视且珍惜他们的洞察力。在危险的情况中，旁人也会发现他们强壮的身体，具有令人安心的力量。
*刚刚在网上查了洞察力的意思：洞察力就是“开心眼”，就是学会用心理学的原理和视角来归纳总结人的行为表现。
Their straight-forward in speaking without knowing to avoid certain irritating issue may cause them in trouble. However, most of the time, people will still accept it positively and cherish their perceptivity (a feeling of understand?).
In some dangerous situations, people will discover their strong "body" which has the power to make them feeling at ease..
(In fact, I've hurt my friends' times before this... just because of my straight-forward speaking... I admit I am bad.. I'm still trying to change this bad attitude...)

4月3日出生的人通常天性善良，偶尔难免会被别人批评为及天真。事实上，在别人眼里，这一天出生的人，兼具童稚与成熟、理想与务实、既自私又负责，是个矛盾、奇异的组合体。
Normally they are born with kindness, sometimes may be criticized as naive. In fact, in others' opinion, the people born on this day have both childishness and maturity, like to dream and (but) are also practical, being selfish but responsible at the same time, they are both contradictory and weird combination.
(these descriptions should be correct right? I'm a very naive person, can trust people easily, I'm quite childish sometimes.. erm.. selfish? I guess so, I'm kinda selfish at certain situations, but I'm really a responsible person ahaha..haiz.. self-contradictory indeed =S)

他们会犯下极大的判断错误，通常是因为他们顽固地运用自己坚信的方法，不知变通而造成
If they make some big mistakes, usually it's because they are stubborn to believe that their way to solve the problem is the right one. They don't know to think the other way round..
(so does that mean I'm stubborn? It might be more accurate to say I don't want to admit I'm wrong... haha... so I just use what I believed-to-be correct and to prove I'm right.... but at the end, I'm wrong!)

*sorry for using some direct translations here... I'm having big trouble now -- my writting skill is deteriorating.... sigh...

我还是原来的我

Few days ago, I've finally realised that I was actually the most selfish person... haiz...
As what you could read, I said my friends were selfish... maybe they were, but I myself was the same too.... I shouldn't blame others.

Since long time ago, people think I'm a happy, cheerful girl, I have positive attitudes, I am so confident to myself bla bla bla... and most impressive might be talkative.
I would like to be the one to start a conversation, I like to invite my friends to go out, I would call my friends on my own initiative;
conclusion? I'm a girl who do things on my own initiative! haha...
and one more thing, I'm very independent...it's what people think...

However... I felt that I was not cared by my friends (not all but most of them) although I cared them very much, if I didn't talk to them, they seldom talk to me on their own initiative. If I didn't call them, they didn't call me at all. If I didn't invite them out, I would just need to stay at home 'forever'.....
and I thought, was it because of my attitudes they disliked me? or it was me being too sensitive?

I've tried my best to change myself .... I really hope that I can be a good person, someone who is welcomed by most of the people.... still, I fail?

I hate to be lonely, and I am lonely always...

I have my family of course, a quite good family although we are not rich. But because I was/am not staying with my parents, it made me to rely on my friends very much, I want my friends to spend time together with me.
I just have brothers and don't have sister, either a younger one or an elder one... so it's hard for me to find someone to share my feeling etc... I'm not that kind of people who can just keep things to myself, it's suffering ....
To me, friends are very important people...

Gradually, I'd become less talkative, or I pretended to be happy.... and I showed long face more frequently then... but I seldom scold my friends or throw a tantrum, I just kept my mouth shut... and I tried to isolate myself.
I really wondered, why others were so quiet and seldom talk, but they got the most attention from people... so actually I wish to learn from them, maybe I try to be not so talkative, then other people would come to talk to me?
ahaha.... really funny oh for me to think like this...

I should say thank you to my new net friend-- Lian Kei for 'counselling' me... his words made me realising that what I'd done was wrong....
I was blaming my friends for not inviting me out, not talking to me first, not accompanying me when I am lonely, not sharing their secrets/something with me....

I've forgotten that, everyone has different characteristic and has different way to solve their lonely problem too. If everyone is like what I am, then.... wah @@" lolz
so, I shouldn't blame them for being quiet, for being passive as those are their characteristics.. and hence I shouldn't force them to change too...
so back to my own personalities, my characteristics..

Since I am who I am, I shouldn't think that it's unfair for me to be the one who initiates a conversation, etc...
People know I'm strong and tough, so they don't worry me that much.... but that doesn't mean they don't care about me.... I was just too sensitive and having those negative thinking!

If I don't invite other people to join me in something (e.g: conversation), I will be lonely...
However, if my friends don't invite me for something, maybe it's because they have their own way to solve their lonely problem, they may have some other things to do on their own etc....
Friends are not borned to make me not lonely... I cannot be so selfish about this
They have their own way to live in this world....

Thus, I'm not confused anymore for now.... I want to be who I was...
and to change to a better person (I'm not good enough lah..).....
Sorry to my friends too....
(aiya, too long-winded=talkative I know lolz)